Sep 10
23
Just came across this quote this morning that inspired to do a little sharing here. “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” – Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
I find this so true. In any marriage that may be trouble, more often than not it is not because they no longer love each other, but rather they do not know how to be friends and did not establish a friendship right from the start of their relationship. When I counsel couples on their relationship, the most common complaint is that their partner is not listening to them. Here they mean real listening, not just audio going into their ears.
It takes real friendship to be able to respond to each other that reflects one’s love.
As such, part of my job is to teach couples to be friends as well as to learn to listen. One might think that this is easy to do — the truth is, it is not. Most people are very ego defensive especially towards people they love. So they stop listening and are focusing on their rebuttals when their partners are speaking. Because they do not want to appear vulnerable. Interestingly it is their impatience to rebut that shows that they are emotionally vulnerable.
During the first year of my marriage, it was extremely challenging and my husband and I knew we had to work through many of our own issues before we can make the marriage work. One day my husband spoke to me about an issue he had, which also concerned me. Instead of being ego defensive, I just listened and responded to him like a friend would. I did this instinctively. After our discussion, my husband thanked me for being a good friend in listening to him and responding in such a way he gained clarity.
On that day, our friendship saved our marriage.
copyright 2010 Shamala Tan www.thinkrightfeelgood.com
